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Trainsylvania: Off The Rails

Even with his steam-powered sovereign state immobilized along the side of the tracks, Conductor Korlav’s vampire army is growing… and building an airplane. As “Captain” Korlav terrorizes small Midwestern rail yards and depots, murdering and turning young women into bloodsucking stewardesses for his ad hoc redeye of the damned, Agent Lucas Brash is still mourning the death of his partner and lover, Agent Millie Fairweather. Little does Brash know that he’s about to find out he has a son – a disgraced Air Force pilot. If you thought Brash and Fairweather were an explosive team, wait until you see Brash and Brash in this non-stop mid-air adventure that once again reminds us that modern transportation is great… until vampires steal it. Get ready to fly the deadly skies in this thrilling sequel to the film that USA Today called “…exciting…”

Color Me Murder 2

Color Me Murder 2 picks up exactly where the unforgettable original left off, with Cole Preston driving off into the sunset, billionaire Rex DeMarco’s murder solved and scheming billionaire Leo Claymore and his simpering millionaire lackey, Harvey Tigland, in jail. But then Cole Preston’s car explodes! Now it’s up to Rex DeMarco’s wife, billionaire Anna DeMarco, and her nosy gardener (and the first film’s hilarious comic relief) Jose, to avenge Cole Preston’s death… and maybe even fall in love… and get married. Some murder is money blind and all money is the color of blood. Color Me Vengeance… Color Me Sensuousness… Color Me Murder… 2.

President Baseball 2

Trash-talking second baseman Mark “A-Bomb” Arden has been re-elected, and this time, the whole team’s coming with him! Fresh off his side-splitting, tell-it-like-it-is re-election campaign (featuring hilarious filibusters like “I’m all for gun control… if it’s controlling a gun so it shoots you in your whiny liberal pussy!” and “Global warming can eat my fat dick!”), A-Bomb, a proud ex-Milwaukee Brewer, fills all 15 cabinet positions with the top 15 players from the Chicago Cubs, ensuring massive Chicago losses. Meanwhile, approval ratings are down and an evil Saudi oil magnate is threatening to blow up all of America’s oil! Can President A-Bomb and his new Secretary of Homeland Security, second baseman P.J. “Pacman” Ackerman, overcome their past rivalry in time to save the country… and make it to happy hour?! It’s a homerun for America, and a grand slam for comedy!

Explodercycle 2: American Nitro

Boasting an all new cast and freshly secreted adrenaline, the explosive second chapter of the Explodercycle story moves the exploding motorcycle action from the beaches and montañas of Brazil to the highways of America. With the 120 mph blood-smuggling schemes of former Explodercycle commissioner Delmar Piston foiled, the circuit’s back up and riding, with an epic cross-country race from Los Angeles to Washington, D.C. But what happens when three cult members disguising themselves as Explodercycle competitors decide to build their bikes out of a disassembled nuclear bomb, ride the bikes (the bomb!) to the capital, reassemble the bomb and then detonate the bomb? Can rookie U.S. Marshall, and the sassy gay car thief who he accidentally handcuffed to himself, win first place in this high-octane transamerican road trip to hell and adventure, and in the higher octane road trip to save the capital? *Spoiler Alert* Yes.

Doubt 3

John Patrick Shanley returns to write and direct this hard-hitting follow-up to his award-winning sequel to Doubt, Doubt 2. In this new chapter, repairs have been completed and St. Nicholas in the Bronx is re-opening. An aging Sister James finally watches the last episode of HBO’s The Sopranos. She thinks Tony probably got killed at the end. But she has so much doubt.


Yeah. I’m blogging. What’s fat, unemployed and prone to bonering over movie scenes where prostitutes get dismembered by animal robots?

Stay tuned to this blog and you’ll find out!

I’ll give you hint: It isn’t me.

I’ll give you another hint: If I say, “It isn’t me,” within the context of my own blog, you need to consider that I have a strong bias towards NOT revealing my own proclivity towards movie scenes where prostitutes get dismembered by animal robots.

I’ll give you yet another hint: movie scenes where prostitutes get dismembered by animal robots give me boners.