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Category Archives: Buffalo 66

Why won’t you be in my movie?

 What?!

How can you not like vampire movies?

So?! I’m not even making a vampire movie.

Well, no, I mean, I’m not making a movie that outright denies the possibility of transformation from human into bloodthirsty nightwalker. But does that fact alone make it a vampire movie?

Yeah, well… I’m only calling it “Vampire Frenzy” because Cameron Crowe already exhausted every other viable film title. Anyway, we’re only really marketing the frenzy aspect of it. I’m making a frenzy movie.

Uh-huh.

Well, I mean, it’s more of a subgenre. Frenzy movies sort of fit under the umbrella of shenanigan films.

Shenanigan films. Like “Jaws: The Revenge.” Or “Straw Dogs.” 

Hold on, hold on. I don’t think we’re coming at this from the same direction.

No, see, you need to start thinking of the film’s universe as a universe of absolute free will, where people can make whatever choices they wish: love or loneliness; food or something that isn’t food; to not turn into a vampire or, perhaps, to turn into a vampire.

No duh the characters all make the same choice. They wouldn’t have been assigned to the same hovercraft crew if they didn’t have similar and compatible personality profiles.

Uh-huh.

I think you’re taking the whole vampirism thing a bit too literally. It’s intended as a metaphor

What do you mean, “For what?” For freedom. For passion. For bravery in the face of civil unrest.

I guess it’s more of a shifting metaphor. Like those flowers in that movie about Thora Birch’s boobs.

Oh, oh, hold the horse, Wednesday! Not all the vampires can transform into dinosaurs. Just King Okthor, the king of the vampires. King Okthor, king of bravery in the face of civil unrest, if you will.

Wait, the script says the vampires have a what?

Shit, that’s an early draft. Tell you what ­­­­– which word appears more: “king” or “kritocracy”?

Okay, find and replace “King” with “Judge.” What was I saying before?

Right. Metaphor. The vampires are metaphors.

They’re not magic, they’re pyrokinetic. It means they can control electricity.

It means what? I mean, yeah. I know. Electricity is nature’s metaphor for fire.

Jesus Christ! Where was all this inquisitive argumentation when you made Bless the Child?

Oh.

Well, I’m sorry he hit you.

Listen, lemme do one more draft. How would you feel if instead of becoming a vampire, your character accidentally plugs her brain into the hovercraft’s mainframe computer, thereby, fusing her consciousness with the hard drive so that for the rest of the movie the hovercraft is all wisecracking and sassy.

Like someone could spill a soda on the deck and then it’d be all “Oh no you di’int!”


Chris? Christina? Hello?

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