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[Astronomy Reference] Something Vampire Whatever


The next morning, Beth left the house without even saying goodbye to her father, who was hallucinating in a bathtub full of homemade corn whiskey that he brewed himself to keep his alcoholic nun seduction expenditures down. Tiger King snorted to attention with a blast of exhaust so thick, Beth felt sure that they alone could take on the entire Arctic Circle if they had to. But when she blasted into the school parking lot and spun skidding sideways into an empty spot while a guitar solo wailed, her depression returned. She climbed out of her truck and looked up at the sky. A deep gray pall had spread out over the town and thunder sounded off in the distance, rumbling soft and deep in the air, as if God had eaten a bad quesadilla. The usual rabble of dipshits and fucktards were feeding each other, self-conscious and bumbling, into the school’s gaping brick and steel maw. Beth felt more alone than Haley Joel Osment did when he was in the submarine underwater at the fake ending of A.I.

Suddenly, a mini-van piloted by a fugly redhead who was trying to drive and eat potato bisque at the same time came swerving into the lot and spun out of control. The van was skidding and smoking, going at least 200 miles per hour, catching on fire and about to hit Beth. Reacting purely on instinct, coaxing neural signals up out of the most basic, primordial fragments of a raveling double helix that for millennia has fought against the zero half of the universal binary by stacking rung after rung of genetic prerogative atop the sacred altar of self-preservation, she curled up into a ball and waited for death.

But, oh-ho! Death never came. Instead there was a bang and a screech and then some more banging and someone screaming and then lots of excited talking and then another bang that sounded way far away and was probably unrelated. Beth looked up and saw Matt Finley standing in front of her with his hand all crunched into the side of the van and his smoldering stare burning deep into her cervix.

“We can go to class and talk about cell biology or we can go hump at the top of tree.” he said in a smoky contralto that made her think about liberally spreading melting butter up and down a corn cob in a manner both methodical and erotic.

“Are we in love now?” she asked, trembling.

“No.” He replied.

“How about now?”




“Why not?”

“I can never speak the reason.”

“Can you say it if guess it first?”

“Yeah. That would probably be okay.”

Before she could take another breath, Matt grabbed her around her entire body and they zoomed into the woods at four times the speed of taste. 2 seconds later, they arrived in a beautiful green clearing full of trees and moss and brilliant shafts of light that tore through the foliage like rice through an overstuffed tortilla. The entire forest was smiling down upon them. Matt’s strong hands grabbed Beth’s weak girly arms and he stared down at her so intensely, he gave her a CAT scan.

“Your brain looks healthy.” he whispered into her supple, feminine ear. Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out an apple. “Here, how do you like this apple?” Beth took it from him without breaking contact with his smoldery, smoldery eyes. “How do you like these apples?” she asked, pointing to her chest. “I mean, I guess I like them just fine.” Matt said. “Now, eat your apple.”

Just then, some hikers walked by. Beth and Matt separated and tried to look like they were just hanging out. The hikers were so slow. They looked at a tree. They listened to a bird. They even looked at a fucking rock. After, like, 20 minutes, they finally moved on. Beth ate the apple.

“What are you?” Beth asked Matt, staring at him so hard she accidentally gave him an MRI. “I mean, besides a guy who doesn’t have cancer.”

“You’re supposed to guess. Remember?”

“Are you Spiderman?”

“No. He’s a virgin”

“Are you kryptonite?”

“Uh…no. That’s a fictional transuranic element.”

“Oh my God! This is fun!” Beth said, squealing.

At that moment, Matt backed up into one of the shafts of light and his entire sexy body lit up like a fiber optic dollar store Jesus picture. Shocked at the sudden revelation of his true glittery nature, Matt spun and ducked trying to cover himself. Instead, his sleeve caught on a branch and ripped all of his clothes off, except his underwear. Coincidentally, he had chosen that day to wear his sparkly underwear.

“Oh, of course! You’re a vampire.” Beth realized.

“Yes. I have suffered for many millennia.” Matt replied.

“Now are we in love?”

“Yes. Now we are in love.”

“Fuck me!”

“I can’t!”

“Why not?”

“I cannot speak the reason.”

“Can I guess?”

“Yeah. That would probably be fine.”

“Is it because you’re impotent?”

“No. And I can prove it.” Matt made a noise like he was trying to poop something the size of the rhinoceros he had consumed in Beth’s vision. “Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” The veins in his neck swelled and popped out, almost to the point where they looked like how veins normally look on the back of an old woman’s hands. His face turned Pantone 199. “ERRRRRRRRRR!”

His shoulders slumped and relaxed.

“Okay. I can’t prove it. But, like, trust me.”

“Is it because you’re a vampire?”

“Yes. My vampire penis would kill you instantly. It bears the same horrible curse that I do. The curse of the night.”

Beth thought about the last vampire movie she saw. It was Vampire in Brooklyn starring Eddie Murphy.

“Are you going to drink my blood?” she asked

“Not right now.” Matt answered.

His vampire hands grabbed her human boobs and the alien fleet that was in orbit high above them, about to implode the Earth, was instantly destroyed.

The End


One Comment

  1. Finley, this parody is eminently notable AND quotable. You deserve a tasty, tasty biscuit.

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