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[Astronomy Reference] Something Vampire Whatever


When Beth pulled into the school parking lot, she carefully maneuvered the Tiger King around all the cool shiny douchemobiles, automocunts, Ass Utility Vehicles and Jettas. After she pulled into a parking space, she turned off the truck and gazed out across the lot at all the kids making their way into the school. Three jocks were high fiving and pointing at girls’ butts and doing touchdown dances. Their Adidas windbreakers rustled in the wind as they fist bumped and tweaked the skewed positions of their hats. Some creamy-skinned blondes in coochie pants adjusted their boobs and made faces at fat girls. Two awesome bros with skateboards under their arms and studded dog collars traded disaffected glares and flipped off the American dream. Skinny nerds (and one big, tubby dweeb) cringed beneath the weight of their backpacks and Urkle-laughed about a new Romulan curse word. One black kid walked by really fast, but not so fast that he wasn’t noticeable. Two completely non-descript assholes in solid-colored t-shirts talked about homework and television.
“I’ll be friends with them,” thought Beth, as she debarked Tiger King and slowly made her way towards her new school.
The school building was a sprawling, single-story prison that looked like the bastard love child of a mental hospital and a strip mall. Once inside it, a ton of boring stuff happened. There were some math problems, Beth peed in a toilet, someone (maybe one of the jocks from outside) pointed at her and said “look at the new girl.” Beth tripped and almost fell down the stairs but didn’t. Beth answered a question right during social studies and mean kids looked at her. Then: Lunch.
Beth walked into the cafeteria and looked around until she saw the two boring assholes from the parking lot. She walked over to the table and waited for a break in the brain-rapingly banal jabber-jawing. When it finally came (after, like, three minutes of yak yak yak Jack Bauer this and yup uh-huh fruit smoothie that), she pointed to an empt0y seat and asked “is this seat taken?”
Holy lord Satan on Christmas! You would’ve thought that someone put Adam Noble on a CSPAN panel with Nancy Grace and a Nicholas Sparks audiobook. One simple question was answered with an endless aural string composed of pleasantry after asinine pleasantry, all piled up on a soapbox and hung droning in space like an infectious airborne lobotomy. As the monotonous volley of inanity propelled itself into a perpetual loop, echoing its irrelevance around the infinite landscape of forever, Beth took the seat and got out her lunch. A look in the bag revealed a Tupperware cylinder full of flat beer and lunchmeat ham. “Urgh. I wish I had an apple.” Beth said to herself.
Back at her dad’s house, her father, locked in a boozy, unshaven prison of his own construction, winked at you, the reader.
Just as Beth realized that the conversation between the two assholes had finally shed its last remaining vestiges of substance, turned into a verbal blackhole and collapsed in upon itself, a gaggle of the palest, sexiest and oldest high school students ever strutted into the cafeteria and sat down at a table together. Beth looked at them and immediately saw that one burned way hotter than all the rest. Whereas she merely gawked and the others simply stared, he smoldered. He slowly stuck out his tongue and ran it teasingly around his pouty, sensual lips as if to say, “mmmm. Yeahhhh. OOOOOOOOHHHHH. Look at me. MMMMMMM.” Beth thrust her bosom forward and tried to shake it at him as nonchalantly as possible.
“Who’s that?” Beth asked, giving one more twitch of her breasts before turning back towards her insufferable table mates.
“Oh, those are the Finleys. The really cute one is Matt, the others are…” blah blah blah. off they went again, boring horses beating dusty trails across an interminable desert of meaningless sounds.
“Okay.” Beth said, doing her best not to make eye contact with the two complete fucking assholes as she stood up from the table. “I’m going to science class.” As she walked out of the cafeteria, she could still hear the assholes talking, their conversation persisting indifferent to her absence…indifferent to the time and place…indifferent to existence as a whole…the empty words fading into the white noise of a world that existed indifferent to them.


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